my immortality project

"Never more boredom was found than in an effort to live a normal life."

2010-02-24T22:44:00.000-08:00

This appeared in my inbox the other day. Thought I'd pass it along...

"The quest for average is not as much a goal as it is a disease of retreat. It quietly moves to a passive place where one teeters on the brink of hope and hopelessness. Its tentative posture has within it the bias of nothing good or bad ever happening, and it is a way of life practiced by many. In contrast, the quest for an amazing life brings with it a focus that clarifies your vision. It lives on the edge of something big or something bigger and it teeters back and forth between passion and purpose, progress and prosperity. There's something big in all of us and it is only our quest for normal that keeps it sleeping. Plan out something amazing today."

-Dean Del Sesto

JFK Terminal 8

2010-02-06T11:46:00.000-08:00

If you ever need a reminder of what love is supposed to look like, spend an afternoon in Terminal 8 at JFK (or any park in Mexico for that matter). Terminal 8 is the international terminal where some people, fresh off an epic adventure of some kind, reunite with their loved ones with fresh eyes and a renewed heart. There's no time wasted on etiquette or politeness here, just pure uninhibited public displays of affection. I saw an older married couple embrace, without speaking a single word, for what seemed like an eternity and so tightly that I wondered if they had trouble breathing. Moments later a woman in her 40s literally leapt into her husband's lap and giggled like a 6th grader. It never gets old to watch, that is until the making out and groping begins.

It was at terminal 8 where I was lucky enough to witness my friend, Philosopher King, Josue Lajuenesse as he reunited with his daughter Danielle after she had been left stranded in Port au Prince and forced to sleep on the streets for more than a week as a result of the earthquake that destroyed Haiti on January 21. Having been a father myself now for about 16 months, I can imagine on some level what that must have felt like to think of your own flesh and blood amidst all that devastation, death, and rampant violence. The attachment that develops between you and your offspring is almost inexplicable and otherworldy - and the instinct to protect and preserve, ridiculously overwhelming at times. The scenarios that undoubtedly played in his mind must have been torture on him.

Of all days, a truck had overturned on the Beltway in New York preventing Josue from getting to the airport in time to meet Danielle at the gate. I sat with Danielle for two hours while she shared with me in her broken but vastly improved English what she had been through the last week and a half. I asked how she was able to manage food-wise and she replied, while politely munching on a can of Pringles and Dove chocolate, "I drank water mostly". I struggled to think of appropriate responses and quickly realized there were none. I just sat with her in silence and imagined the rows of corpses she must have walked by everyday, the individuals trapped beneath rubble and screaming for help, and how shitty it must feel leaving her friends and mother behind and being among the "priveleged" few who could afford the bus fare to the Dominican Republic and airfare to get home.

Josue walked hurriedly through the entrance of the terminal holding a small bouquet of flowers frantically scanning the room for Danielle. When he spotted her near the back of the room, I could see the adrenalin that had sustained him for the last week or so drain instantly from his body as a calm came over him and his hurried pace nearly came to a stop. It was as though he had no reason to move anymore. She was safe.

The embrace was everything one would expect to see: tears flowing, few words exchanged, death-grip embrace, a beautifully raw display of love between a father and his only daughter.

Just Another Day at the Office

2009-04-06T03:36:00.000-07:00

A recent online chat I had with an insurance agent:

Patrick: I'm going to Haiti on Friday. I need insurance that would cover emergency medical expenses and life insurance if I'm kidnapped, killed, or harmed in any way.

Alan: Hello, my name is Alan, I'll be happy to help you with that.

Patrick: Great.

Alan: Well, we have products that can provide coverage for those events - but not all on one policy. For instance, kidnapping insurance will require an application that would need to be submitted to an underwriter for Lloyds of London. We also have accidental death insurance from the same company, but requires a different online application.

Patrick: Oh ok. Well, my main concern is if I'm hurt or killed in the event of a kidnapping that my family will be taken care of. Does accidental death cover that?

Alan: Accidental death would cover your family if you are accidentally killed - it does not cover kidnapping however.

Patrick: So if I'm kidnapped and killed, accidental death won't cover me?

Alan: Death by kidnappers is not accidental - it would be an intentional murder. And then there are coverages for medical expenses as well. Do you need coverage for war & terrorism for the medical expenses?

Patrick: Um, I believe I do need War and Terrorism for medical expenses. Would that cover me in the event that I'm injured as a result of a kidnapping (or something along those lines) and need medical attention?

Alan: How much medical coverage and accidental death coverage do you require?

Patrick: Maybe 20-30k? I don't know how much it costs to evacuate someone.

Alan: One moment please.

Alan: You might want to consider our Security First War Risk Long Term plan.

Alan: That can provide Accidental Death and Dismemberment coverage as well as $250,000 coverage for medical expenses and $100,000 emergency medical evac coverage - War & Terrorism is covered.

Patrick: Sounds great!

Alan: May I redirect your web browser to the page with that information? Would you like me to do that for you now?

Patrick: Yes.

Utopia = No Place

2009-02-09T23:06:00.000-08:00

I love the fact that the Greek word "utopia" translates to "no place". I think about this often and it reminds me that there is no real destination in life. Or to put it another way, each moment in life is a destination. We're wired to always be in pursuit of something - of happiness or success maybe - and we often find it difficult to feel any satisfaction until we've obtained it. How different would things be if we found satisfaction now, even in the midst of great suffering? It might free us from anxiety about the future and perhaps we wouldn't be so inclined to shelve happiness for later enjoyment, but partake now and always.

Post-Production Diet

2008-07-07T20:01:00.001-07:00

I'm about three weeks into post-production on The Philosopher Kings and all is going well. I've got a really rough 22 minutes of the film edited which means about 50-60 minutes to go! I've encountered some of the typical challenges editors face at this stage. Editing is a little like acting. You want to immerse yourself so deeply that you are living and breathing the material rather than a half-ass representative of it. No real editing can be done until one has become fully immersed in the material and life, so full of distractions, often works against this process. A frequent consequence of my desperate attempts to remain "in the zone" is having to eat crap food. It's within reach and quick to prepare and consume. I like the microwaveable Japanese stuff. As crap food goes, it's pretty awesome.

I'm no Picasso but I like the way he worked. He would often stand before the canvas for three or four hours at a time making almost no superfluous gestures. He's famously quoted as saying "while I work I leave my body outside the door, the way Moslems take off their shoes before entering the mosque."

Of course there are beautiful distractions. "Golden Delicious", the latest Mike Doughty album was my beautiful distraction of the day. I downloaded it and got a much needed shot of inspiration before jumping back in. It's the distractions that seemingly have no value to the task at hand that you try desperately to avoid, but are simply no match for that are a cancer to my process...like pretending that people actually read my blog.

Religion Is Not The Problem

2008-06-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

At a post Flight from Death screening Q&A session in Canada several months ago an audience member asked an intriguing question about the "u-turn" the film takes at the end. I tanked when attempting my answer, as I often do, so I wanted to spend a few minutes briefly addressing it here.

The "u-turn", as he called it, referred to the film positing that religion was the problem at the heart of the world's conflicts and how by its conclusion, the film seemed to contradict itself by offering a mildly religious prescription to the problem.

Religion is not the problem and not necessarily any sort of prescription to the problem either - at least as far as the film is concerned.

There are individuals of all faiths and non-faiths who have done "evil" in the name of their beliefs. Some blow up federal buildings, some fly planes into tall buildings, others go on shooting sprees. Clearly, religious belief cannot be singled out as "the problem". What is consistent among these sort of apocalyptic acts of violence is the perpetrators' death grip on their beliefs, leaving no room for the possibilty that their worldview can co-exist among other worldviews. While the fundamentalist and perverted ideologies alluded to above may certainly be a part of the problem in those specific cases, I believe the problem overall is not ideology itself necessarily, but our relationship with ideology.

It's analagous to agoraphobia. When the walls that separate us from the rest of the world begin to define everything about us, we cannot, often out of fear, and will not, see past them. If we are to live constructively together we have to step outside, where the world does not revolve around us, and immerse ourselves in the real world which is made up of all sorts of contradictions before we can fully appreciate and understand our own ideas about how we should live and what to believe.

As Socrates might say, accept the possibility that you are wrong or that others have something to teach you, and maybe someday we'll actually learn what it even means to be "right".

As for Sam Keen's closing about hope, it certainly feels religious but one doesn't have to be religious to appreciate being alive and to appreciate the mysterious force that brings us into (and out of) existence. With so much darkness and hopelessness in the world, it helps me to remember that it's better to be in the world rather than NOT in it.

Old Dudes

2008-05-03T10:29:00.000-07:00

There's something about the looming inevitability of bingo nights and adult incontinence that inspires people, as they grow older, to stop messing around. Whenever I want to take inventory of the things in my life that ultimately don't matter, I look to old people. Like, really old people. They don't dress well, they don't smell that great, they walk slow, they're cranky when they want to be, and they could sit on a bench all day feeding bread crumbs to pigeons and never once complain about "where the day went".

"I enjoy talking with the very old, for we should ask them, as we might ask those who have travelled a road that we too will probably have to follow, what kind of road it is, whether rough and difficult or smooth and easy." -Socrates

Japan Rules

2008-01-17T23:12:00.000-08:00

"What is man's ultimate direction in life? It is to look for love, truth, virtue, and beauty"
-Shinichi Suzuki

Here's a glimpse of my time in Japan. Enjoy!

Shite Happens

2007-12-08T10:16:00.001-08:00

I had over $15k worth of camera equipment stolen out of my car during a recent trip to Vancouver and after beating myself up for a couple of days for being such a dumbass, it got me thinking about some things... such as tragedy and suffering, how no one is safe from it, how it's all bound to happen, and most importantly, whether or not I'm psychologically or spiritually prepared for it - at least to the extent that I won't become entirely unraveled when real tragedy does strike.

Cliches may lack impact and originality, and you often want to punch people in the face for using them, but it pays to examine them in moments like these where it's best to just cut to the chase rather than go on and on trying to eloquently say what can be summed up in just two words. In my case, "shit happens". If you still want to punch me in the face after reading this entry, feel free. I probably had it coming anyway.

How brilliant is the dude who coined the phrase "Shit Happens" and slapped it on a bumper sticker? That sticker was in every gift shop and minimart across the globe for just about the latter half of the 20th century. Millions of people paid this man to be reminded that something bad was going to happen. Clearly a genius...and in more ways than one.

So after I filled out the police report, spent a couple of days sulking, and came to terms with the fact that I'd never see any of my equipment again, I got to thinking about this "shit happens" dude and what he was trying to say and began to examine my own intimate relationship with "shit" and the anticipation of it happening to me.

Just about every religious tradition teaches us that being and feeling truly alive involves a degree of suffering. Any attempt to ignore this fact is done in vain and often results in less life lived. It's debilitating to dwell on the suffering that is just around the corner for all of us. Everything from a stolen wallet to the death of a loved one is a part of everyone's destiny. For many, the suffering is here and now. For others, it's closer than they think. The challenge, it seems to me, is not allowing those tragedies to define us and our lives but to weave it into the fabric of our experience in such a way that it makes us better and more alive. Suffering provides context or a framework within which we experience our lives - especially the good things. It's easy to write about, harder to apply, and surely even more difficult to consider when you're in the midst of suffering, but my naivete doesn't necessarily make what I've said less true.

The reality is that "shit" isn't just going to "happen". It's going to rain down from the heavens until we're drowning in an ocean of it. There'll be no life preserver in sight (just a lot of flies) and your arms will give out trying to make it to shore as giant waves of shit break against your back and occasionally pull you under, forcing mouth-fulls of shit into your mouth. And when it's all over, if you survive that is, you're going to stink - probably for years and you're never going to be able to walk outside again without looking up and wondering if the universe is going to take a big dump on your head again. But you WILL walk outside and you'll undoubtedly appreciate those days when it doesn't...at least for a little while until you start taking the good days for granted again.

TM 3.0

2007-09-06T23:35:00.000-07:00

I am in transition. I've killed off the calculating, burden-laden, success-driven side of me so that I can better serve the artist that has been nearly dormant.

All artists must come to terms with it at some point in their careers: making art may feed our souls, but unless we or someone is able to sell our art, we end up broke and hungry. It's a common dilemma: the artist, who thrives on a free and wandering spirit, is invariably antagonized by the strategic and calculating businessman who must coexist within the same person, all in the service of profitability (i.e. making a living). More often than not, the businessman will dominate the other and before you know it, your days are nothing but business. At least that's what happened to me.

The unfortunate part of this transition is that it has resulted in layoffs at Transcendental Media. What was supposed to be an environment in which art thrives, became a hindrance for me creatively and spiritually. I knew some serious restructuring was in order when I found myself often waking in the middle of the night in a panic over personnel issues, profits, sustainability, company morale, deadlines, and efficiency in the TM workflow to name just a few things that kept me up at night. I am proud and honored to have worked alongside such talented people everyday and I'm excited to continue working with them on a project to project basis. I make movies. I am not a businessman nor am I interested in continuing to pose as one.

I look forward to the sleepless nights ahead of me as I feed the free and wandering spirit, lying awake with thoughts of stories I want to tell and creative ways in which to tell them. In addition to continuing work on the several TM projects currently underway such as The Philosopher Kings and Pitch Nation, I'm also looking forward to once again making a habit of writing everyday, dusting off old scripts (finished and unfinished), and giving a voice to everything floating around in my brain that has been haunting me for years.

The Legacy Project - Poland

2007-07-04T08:53:00.000-07:00

Our trip to Poland was the perfect metaphor for life. Exploratory. Unique. Chaotic. Challenging. Convoluted. Fulfilling. Eye-opening. Unforgettable.

Back in February or so, Greg mentioned to me that he and his friend Dave Whitson, a teacher at Overlake High School in Seattle were organizing a trip to Poland for a group of Dave's students. He wondered if I'd be willing to come along, all expenses paid, to attend screenings of our previous film Flight from Death, which Greg had arranged in all the major cities in Poland, as well as do some filming as an exploratory exercise for a follow up film to Flight from Death, tentatively titled The Legacy Project. The film would pick up where FFD leaves off, dealing with issues such as hope, survival, suffering, and faith. A trip to Poland certainly sounded appealing as did producing a follow up to FFD - something we had been discussing for several years - but traveling with a group of high school students sounded like a logistical disaster waiting to happen.

Greg and I began discussing the dynamic of making a movie with a large group of students and decided, though it would be extremely challenging, to entertain it further. After all, this was all exploratory, and maybe they could help the crew, and who knows even become a major throughline for the movie - the journey of gifted and privileged students into an exploration of one of the darkest chapters in human history, the Holocaust. Sure, that had potential, but shooting for three weeks with a bunch of students? This would go against everything I learned in my decade of experience in filmmaking. Turns out, my experience hadn't taught me anything. Either that, or I was really desperate for an adventure because I immediately agreed to do it without even a remote idea of what I was getting myself into.

Over the next several months, Greg and I continued discussing the concept for the film only to end up with more questions and an ever expanding scope for the film. "A film about how people find and sustain hope in the face of no hope" sounds great, but how do you film that? And speaking of film, how do you make one without a crew anyway? Meanwhile, the ball was rolling, students were being interviewed for the trip, interviews with Holocaust survivors were lined up, and plans were being made. The Legacy Project was quickly taking on a life of its own and was going to happen whether we were ready for it or not.

I once attended a seminar where the director, Walter Salles was speaking about his experiences making The Motorcycle Diaries during which the cast and crew retraced the 8,000 mile exploratory trek through South America that Che Guevara took before becoming the leader of the Cuban Revolution. Salles and his crew filmed as they journeyed through these foreign lands, employing locals as actors where they went, and sometimes rewriting the movie on the spot. Walter spoke about how the "film gods" were with them every step of the way, opening doors for them, making it all possible.

Well, I began sensing even before the trip started, the "film gods" smiling upon us. It was either that or there was a mass breakout at the local psych ward because just months before leaving, two more crazies entered the picture. These nut jobs were willing to not just give up 2 weeks of their lives for this, but pay their own way to serve as crew on this mad excursion. And what a motley bunch we were. The film crew was comprised of myself, Pat Pai (friend and fellow filmmaker) and Scott Shamansky (my best friend since the 5th grade). Rounding out the group was Greg (who would end up brilliantly wearing many hats on this trip), 11 super cool high school students, Dave Whitson (their history teacher and co-coordinator for the trip), Natasha (Photographer/Greg's amazing girlfriend), and friends/translators, Ania and Pawel.

In the span of two weeks our group of 17-20 people (depending on how many of the local translators were with us) traveled to cities such as Warsaw, Lublin, Owsiecim, Krakow, and Czestochowa. Along the way we filmed concentration camps, interviewed Holocaust survivors, and local Polish folks about their memories of the horrific things that happened in their own backyards; we chaperoned 11 students; we promoted and organized five screenings of Flight from Death; and whenever possible, we played, ate, slept, and counseled one another. Never have I experienced so much death imagery and life imagery all in one short span of time. It was a physically, mentally, emotionally exhausting, and convoluted trip and all I can think about these days is when I can do it all again. That is, if it's even possible to replicate such a unique experience.

In the end, we came back with a lot to show for our time in Poland. We shot approximately 30-40 hours of amazing HD footage; we have a solid foundation upon which to continue our exploration of suffering, hope, survival, and faith in places all over the world; I've made new friends; and most importantly, I'm completely recharged and ready to take on the world again. Future Legacy Project trips may include Chile, South Africa, Cambodia, the Middle East, and China just to name a few and I'll be counting the days until each and every one of those trips.

In reading up on The Motorcycle Diaries, I stumbled upon the brilliant tagline for the film that sums up a lot of things for me. "Before he changed the world, the world changed him." I've always spoken about wanting to be a catalyst for change with the work that I do but never giving much attention to the change that perhaps needs to take place in me. How can I even dream of changing anything in the world, if I am not fully immersed in it, living in it, and interacting with it? I'm certainly feeling incredibly drawn to the world these days - not wanting to keep my feet still but continually moving and taking me to unfamiliar places. Film gods, I'm in your hands.

Legacy Project - Poland pics

Back to work

2007-07-01T23:43:00.000-07:00

After 33 hours of grueling travel which included a 5-hour flight delay in Warsaw, a 10-hour flight to Chicago, a 4-hour stay at a Red Roof Inn in Chicago, and finally a 4-hour flight to LAX, I made it back to Irvine.

The depressing reality of what a lifeless city I live in typically wears off after a few days of returning from a trip like this but I'm finding myself especially unwilling to let that happen this time around. I seem to be fighting it off more intensely than I have in the past out of some fear of returning to my old comfortable routine. As fulfilling as my old routine can be (I get to make movies after all), something has changed in me that I can't quite articulate at this moment. Perhaps if I keep rambling.

I can say that running around a foreign country, meeting awesome people with amazing and inspiring stories, making new friends and attempting to capture it all with my video camera sure beats going to my office everyday and having to deal with finances and lame shit that has nothing to do with filmmaking...or being human for that matter.

This trip has certainly reignited my passion for filmmaking and that old childhood dream of changing the world - or borrowing from Freud, "to agitate the sleep of mankind" - that put me on this path to begin with. Now, what to do with this reignited passion? How do I not only prevent it from burning out again but how can I sustain it? My fear is that I won't have figured out the answer to these questions before I return to the office on Monday and that I'll get sucked back into the humdrum day-to-day routine and then before I know it, be buried so deep underneath it that any sort of meaning in my work is relegated to fleeting thoughts and day dreams I have throughout the week.

Dziekuję bardzo!

2007-06-28T09:59:00.000-07:00

What an incredible trip this has been. Between the new friendships we've made along the way, to the incredible stories we heard from Holocaust survivors (and folks who helped them escape), to the chaotic and physically demanding schedule, I have felt genuinely and completely alive these past two weeks.

Time is limited now and so yet again I'm unable to elaborate, but I promise a full report complete with pics and video over the next several entries. As I write this, we are stranded at the Warsaw airport with no certainty of when we might arrive in Los Angeles. The silver lining to this adventure is that we may end up in Chicago for half a day which of course could also mean a trip to Buffalo Joe's for wings. So, for now, I'll conclude by simply thanking all of the awesome dudes I met these last two weeks. I'm a better human on so many levels because of the people I've met on this trip and the things I've seen. Dziekuję!

Day 7 in Poland

2007-06-23T05:44:00.001-07:00

We're at the half way point in our trip to Poland and it's been quite
the non-stop adventure. I forget how physically and mentally
exhausting these trips can be. This one is perhaps the most demanding
of them all so far. Seeing the concentration & extermination camps
with your own eyes is an unbelievable experience. Quite literally,
the scope and precision by which the Nazis committed murder, is
impossible to comprehend. It's like trying to comprehend the heavens
- it's simply too big for my little brain to understand. When I have
more time I plan on posting some photos and possibly video to better
illustrate the scope of what I've been witnessing this past week.

Off to Poland

2007-06-13T09:39:00.001-07:00

Off to Poland for two weeks. Armed with two HD cameras the mission will be to explore a possible new project, somewhat of a sequel to Flight from Death, called "The Legacy Project". If this initial trip proves to be successful we might find ourselves traveling the globe over the next 2 to 3 years - particularly places where unspeakble violent events have occured - to explore suffering, hope, and sustaining hope in the face of no hope. More soon.

Bury My Heart

2007-05-04T16:14:00.000-07:00

My fascination with American Indians has been slowly rekindling as of late, due in part to the announcement of a new HBO movie called "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee" (based on the book of the same name) debuting on May 27th. I've also recently made plans to volunteer my time shooting a documentary for a non-profit organization based out of Canada that works with First Nations groups and so that's been on my mind as well.

I've always had an extreme fondness for American Indians - once even studying to speak the Sioux language and composing a poem in high school called "Mitakuye Oyasin" (which translates to "we are all related", if memory serves me) half of which was written in Sioux. It was a horrible poem but I received an "A" nonetheless, likely for effort.

My fascination with Ameican Indians even continued into my early adulthood. Before I decided to rename my company Transcendental Media back in 1999 it was called Standing Rock Entertainment. I named it after the Sioux Indian reservation in South Dakota where Sitting Bull spent his last days before he was killed by one of his own, a member of the reservation police.

Beyond my profound appreciation for much of their values, I was drawn to the American Indian's spirituality most of all. It is probably overlooked by many for being primitive and simplistic - a horrible argument, in my opinion, for dismissing any set of cultural beliefs. After all, it is the simple yet overwhelming sense of awe and oneness that people can experience when pondering life's mysteries that is at the heart of all religions and runs especially deep and pure in the American Indian culture.

I'm inclined at this point to begin a passionate rant about the myriad of injustices that American Indians have faced and continue to face to this day, but instead I'll leave you with this link to a recent story I read that pretty much sums up where they're at.

"Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee" premieres Sunday, May 27th @ 9pm on HBO. I'm hoping it does the subject matter justice.

I blog, therefore I am.

2007-03-04T12:45:00.000-08:00

I'm making no promises with this blog page. It might be just as uninteresting and uninspired as the next blog page, but that's okay with me. After all, I make no claims that I'm interesting, but only that I exist and because I exist and have led a different life than you have, might have something to offer readers.

Most importantly, this will also serve as a vital exercise for me. For reasons I won't get into here, I feel I am more pure and genuinely myself when I'm speaking through my films, through writing and, on very rare occassions these days, songwriting. Finding, developing, and giving life to one's unique voice is the challenge (and struggle) of any artist (and perhaps any human) and I find myself really hungry these days for more venues in which to do this. Even if no one reads this blog, it will have served this purpose for me. And who knows, if I ramble long enough, I'm bound to say something interesting at some point.

My other sincere hope is that those interested in what I'm about will get to know me better through this website as you will be experiencing me in a (hopefully) genuine form. Let the rambling begin.